My Thoughts Before Starting Therapy.

What do you know? You don’t know me, you don’t know my problems, you definitely can’t relate to what I’m going through. You know what, screw you. I don’t need help from someone who’s life is so perfect they can sit across the room from struggling people and judge. 

That was my first thought wave when the idea of seeing a counsellor was suggested to me. It was mostly fueled by anger, maybe a little denial, and a whole lotta fear. I kept thinking: I know myself better than anyone, what could this person, this stranger say to make me see myself differently. And for that matter, do I really want to see myself differently, will I like who I am through someone else’s eyes? 

Turns out that was all completely normal…In fact it was so normal I’m actually kind of proud of my instinct for self preservation displayed in those emotions and feelings. I didn’t want to avoid therapy because I didn’t think anything was wrong, quite the opposite. I was scared if I realized who I really was, raw and unfiltered, I wouldn’t be able to stand by myself. How could I continue to defend my actions in struggle with so much newfound self awareness questioning my every decision. 

Therapy wasn’t a saviour, or a godsend. I give it a lot of credit but not more than I give myself. I did the work, I looked deeper. I shed tears, shared laughs, had epiphonies, and experienced huge realizations. Therapy didn’t serve the solution in any easy manner and I’m so grateful for that. 

I was challenged, questioned, and supported. I was never alone. I learned to advocate, accept, and apologize not only to others but to myself. 

I now see who I am, raw and unfiltered, and I don’t want to be anyone else.